Please revisit with me this scene from Parasyte: The Maxim, when Shinichi Izumi meets with Murano in the park to talk about recent issues.
Murano: “Izumi-kun, you seem like your mind is kind of muddled. I feel kind of muddled too, actually. Hey… can I start?”
Shinichi: “Sure.” Murano: “I’ve been trying not to dwell on it, but I can’t help myself. It’s about miss Kana. You canceled our date that day to go see her, right? It must have been important. At least, more important than a movie with me.”
Shinichi: “I’ve been wanting to talk you about a lot of things, but–”
Murano: “Then why don’t you?! Why won’t you tell me what’s going on? You should tell me everything! Izumi-kun, something has been bothering you for a long time, hasn’t it? Something besides the incident with Kana.”
Murano: “I can tell! It’s got you so worried, that not even someone dying is that big a deal to you anymore, is it?”
Shinichi: “That’s not true.”
Murano: “Izumi-kun, you are strong. You’re really strong. But sometimes I can barely stand to watch you. You’re so desperate to keep something in check. So… what happened? Don’t try so hard on your own. Talk to me.”
Shinichi (looking ready to tell the truth): “Murano…” He breaks off, sensing that Migi is awake and watching him. Shinichi (urgently): “It’s nothing! Nothing’s going on!”
Murano (hurt): Wha…? How can I believe there’s nothing going on?! I can’t even talk to you if you’re going be like this!” She turns her back on him.
Shinichi (in his thoughts): “Don’t say that. If even you say that to me, I… I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you, okay? Satomi! My body! My body has a…”
He says nothing out loud, and barely manages to hold Migi back from killing Murano. Murano turns to face Shinichi again, to see him with a forced smile on his face.
Shinichi: “Seriously, nothing is going on.”
Murano: “I guess you just can’t trust me.”
Shinichi: “I can’t do anything about it if you don’t believe me.”
Murano: “Izumi-kun, your eyes… they’re so empty.”
Lately, I have been Shinichi. And like Shinichi, I’ve been very numb and empty for … I don’t know how long. But Shinichi “wakes up” and “comes back” to his true self, and to reality. I am also starting to “come back.” It won’t be a magical turn around. But it’s a start. I don’t want to keep pushing the Murano’s in my life away. I want to care about life again. Thanks. End of rant.
5 thoughts on “Desperate to Keep “Something” in Check”
I’m sorry to hear about some of what you’ve been feeling even if it’s in abstract. I hope you get better.
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I’m glad to hear that you’re slowly and steadily turning around. All the best to you and your health.
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Sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling! I’m glad that things are starting to improve and I hope you will feel better soon.
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Yeah, I also hope that ‘something’ that left you feeling empty disappears into the dark abyss that it came from. I’m also an intp and suffered from depression like you so I hope you make it out as well
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